Maurice on Facebook

Oh no.

Maurice has started playing one of those restaurant games on Facebook(tm).

Stop it Maurice! Just stop it, please! You'll break Facebook -- either that, or damage the sanity of other users. More than normal that is.

This is why I don't use Facebook meself, eh?

Yours nuttily,
Ratatoskr.

Maurice has mail!

Life with Maurice around is fun, eh? Even just opening his mail is exciting enough:

Your mail

3:17 PM (18 hours ago)
Ratatoskr Squirrel to Maurice

Hey Maurice,

Mail arrived for ya. Something from some Templar
Grand Master. Opened it, sorted it, forwarded 
it on. Lemme know if you get it, eh?

Ratatoskr.

--
Ratatoskr Squirrel
Yggdrasil, Norway
Email: ratatoskr.squirrel@gmail.com
Web: http://ratatosksquirrel.googlepages.com/


Maurice de Perfossor to me

show details 3:20 PM (18 hours ago)

THankyou my pa. I will let you know 
teh instant it Mjerése  recievinates. 
It like it much improtant sou nds like 
it is!!!

-- Maurice de Perfossor
Le plus grand génie

Email: maurice.deperfossor@hotmail.fr
Website: http://lemondedemaurice.blogspot.com/


> Date: Sat, 4 Jul 2009 15:17:51 +0100
> Subject: Your mail
> From: ratatoskr.squirrel@gmail.com
> To: maurice.deperfossor@hotmail.fr
- Show quoted text -

>
> Hey Maurice,
>
> Mail arrived for ya. Something from
> some Templar Grand Master. Opened
> it, sorted it, forwarded it on. Lemme
> know if you get it, eh?
>
> Ratatoskr.
>
> --
> Ratatoskr Squirrel
> Yggdrasil, Norway
> Email: ratatoskr.squirrel@gmail.com
> Web: http://ratatosksquirrel.googlepages.com/

What can you do with the new Windows Live? Find out

No idea what he thinks this mail from this so-called Templar Grand Master is. But can smell a fake like this miles off. Just like with Maurice! He's not a genius, sure as acorns are acorns. And that's something about with I'm VERY sure!!

Yours nuttily,

Ratatoskr.

A genius on the road!

So Maurice is on his way back to his castle in Italy. Anyone out there want to guess just how many stupid, obvious wrong turns he'll make along the way? Or at least how much time he'll spend driving the wrong direction? No? Eh, can't blame you. Oh my gosh, but that Maurice fella just can't navigate. Safe to say the answer to both is "LOTS". Hope he misses Norway this time. Don't want to have to meet up with that so called "geynius" again. Oh boy. Being his PA is hard enough without having to meet the man.

Eh, just got to sort his mail then send it on to him. NO idea what he does with it when he gets it. Eats it, for all I know.

Yours squirrelishly,
Ratatoskr.

Jagulars

MES AMIS!!!!! OH NOES!!!!! WOE !!!! CATISTROPHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mirose he most upset is! HE has just rembered, that when in Sidney he was meant to pick up his new Maserati Quattroporte and his new Jagular XKR from teh dealers.. Whilst he teh Maserati rembered to pick up, he forgot COMPLETELY to teh Jaguar pick up!!!

OH NOES!!! WHAT is a geynius to do?!?!

Luckily Ratatataotksr, he still in Sydnoy is, and does not to Norway fly back until next Tuesday. Miurowse, he will Ratatatatatataoskr ring and askinate him if he will teh Jagular pikc up and to the car park at the sadney apratment of Murose it takeinate.

Then Muirowse he must to sleep go back. He STILL KILLER JET LAG has!!!?!/?1!

The 46th birhtday praty de Maurise le genie!!!!

MES AMIS!!! IT WAS SUCH AN EVENT!!!

Ah yes, the brithday praty it was most magnifique. And yet, it, it did not without problems occur. You see, mon ami, that Muiiewrøse he invited 200 people to his praty, and so this it was the number of people he told the caterer to provide food for. And yet, only three people were there! Including Muirrowse!!! No, not even mon ami Sarkozy! Or mon ami Berlusconi!! Or even mon ami Chalres Dickens!. This, it not a good start was.

Well, Muirwowse he decided to start the evening by opening a bottel of Penfolds Grange from teh year of Mårøse his birth (1963). But then, then he noticed that his old nemesis Lady Shellom was one of the few guests that had come! He did not want to such a wine for her get out! Especially after what she wrote about him in her book Modern Australian Literature: Geniuses and Frauds!! No, it would not do! But then, Miueroîse he rembered how far his bon ami Ratatatatatoskr had flown to get here, and thought maybe he should get out teh good wine for Ratatatatatatatoskr's sake even so. Eh bien, it was so.

The rest of the evening, it most magnifique was. Muirrhose had enough entrées for 68.3 people, he could not the Ragoût of Lobster keep away from! Then he for the main course had teh Ballontine -- turkey stuffed with a duck stuffed with a chicken stuffed with a pheasant stuffed with a grouse. he off this had enough for 30 people! AND then he on to the venison moved!!! Then, for desert Mirrowse he had the Baba au rhum, the Teurgoule and the Crème brûlée -- he kept for more going back, and ate enough meals for 110!!

The dinner! It most magnifique was! Muirrowse he oppened bottles of 1958, 1959, 1963, 1964, 1971, 1983 and 1985 Penfold Granges, and the 1972 Romanee Conti annd 1985 La Teche that Ratatskr he brough wiht him!

The food, it was magnifique! The conversation, it was exceptional!! So much intellecutral discussion!! For hours with Ratatoskr I discussed the literary significance of acorns. Muirrhêse he was with his presents much happy with: both Ratatatoskr and Lady Shelom new berets gave mirrease. It a most wonderful evening was!

Well, that was the brithday de Mauiroswe for 2009! And it quite an event was, even if it did not go exactly to the plan de Muirrowse!!! NEXT year, though, it will MUCH better be. For one thing, Mirrôse he will not Lady Shelom invitinate!!!

Safe to read -- NOT from Maurice le genie!

Well, seems like I'm taking Maurice's place -- sitting around in an airport, waiting for a 'plane. But fear not, "mes amis", Ratatoskr isn't planning to become another Maurice. Help no! I'm just en route to Australia, to catch up with Maurice for his birthday.

Well you may ask why's a squirrel so keen to get to the birthday of that so-called "geynius". Well, apparently he'll be opening some of his new old bottles of Penfolds Grange. Can't let it be wasted on someone like Maurice can we? Duty beckons. Once more unto the breach, etc, etc. Hope he has acorns too.

Also, won't be flying "Atterrissage Forcé, unlike that Maurice I actually fly with a REAL airline. Air New Zealand this time. Business class ain't too bad. Good enough for this immortal squirrel!!

Then back to Norway. Just hope he likes his new 2CV...

Lada NIVA - The NEW car of CHOICE for MUIRHO∫E teh GEYNIUS

Mes amis, Muirrhuse has on to eBay.fr logged on to, and has found himself a Lada Niva foure wheel driven car to replace his Rolls Royce, Bugatti and Lamborghini cars.

Bit of a come down for our great Geynius Miow®hoße, mes amis, quite a bit of a come down from his Ferrari --- but what can he do? Mon ami Capitan (non, mon ex-ami le Capitan) said his credit cards could no longer use -- so Murrhüøsåe must his own money use. And of that he has not much!!

Eh bien, this car new it will be of much service for Müriyse to arround his vineyard new drivinate. And he will be able to much money make selling his Castello di Maurice wine and olives, from his new country estatate in ITalia.

Muirrhowse has for teh car wiht pay pal just payinated. ANd now his bon ami Ratatoskr will collect it for him, and to Muirrhywße's new home in Itali it drive. And then he will able be to Muiirhuse help his old cars sellinate. Watch eBay.it, mes amis, watch eBay.fr!!

Roman Treasure found in Northern France

From the Norwegian newspaper Den Ekorn Avis:

Roman Treasure found in Northern France

Luck doesn't come much better than it does for M. Caméléon de Madagascar. Whilst walking in the woods near his home in Pas-de-Calais, he spotted a Roman treasure hoard which archaeologists are already describing as "the find of the decade". Le Musee du Louvre has offered an undisclosed sum to M. de Madagascar for the find.

Well, Maurice, looks like this time it was 'the real thing', eh? Not some trick played on you by that reptilian friend of yours. Only trick he played was to actually collect the treasure that you couldn't be bothered to even look at properly.

Maurice 0, Chameleon 8.

Yours squrrelishly,

Ratatoskr.

In Norway again (realy, mes amis!!)

Well, now Muarise realy now in Norway is. He saw Ratatoskr when he stopped for coffee in Oslo did. Strange, Ratatoskr did not seem to Muirise see, and left rapidly.

Still, it too cold is. Murarse must get back home to Armidale France soon!!

Dial a geynius Attempt 2!

Okay, mes amis, so the first attempt it did not work. Alas, Miruse could not remeber his mobile telephone numbers.

But not to wory, mes amis, he will give you his landline number.

Okay. The number of the telefone of his house here in the south of france is +33 4 -- err, Morrise canot the rest remmememeber.

Okay. The telefone number of his flat on Rue Mouffetarde it is +33 1 -- er again he cannot the rest of the number rember.

Okay. The telephone number of his house in Armidale in France it is +33 3, er.

Okay. New plan. The phone number of his house in Paris in Australia, it is +61 2 677 err. Hmm. Maerrose he can rember more of this number, but alas it is not enough!

Hmm. New plan, mes amis. Mowerussse he will try to withtth RATATATATOSKR get in touch. He will let you know.

Readers Questions

From: Chameleon [chameleon@snigger.com.mg]
To: Ratatoskr
Subject: iPhones

So you did end up going to Australia to "acquire" an iPhone for Maurice eh?

Snigger.

~Chameleon

Nope, Ratatoskr didn't. Said it wasn't gonna happen, it didn't can't and won't. End of story. Had a very important package to deliver for the All Father. One that the Hooded One, Grimnir, just couldnt trust anyone else with. Can't say any more. Nope, not even for acorns. He ain't called the Terrible One for nothing.

Still, Ratatoskr did preorder a 3G iPhone. But it's for himself, not Maurice. Just wait till Maurice finds out, eh? Oh boy, oh boy will that be fun. Stand back and watch the fireworks.

Yours squirrelishly,

Ratatoskr.

That Maurice fella. Heh.

Don't think that just because you've not heard from him, Ratatoskr's not been busy. No sir, I've been one busy little squirrel. Indeed I have. Been to Norway, then last week to Iceland and now in Australia for a week. Rained. Not fair. Not fun, fur got wet. But not to worry, never fear Ratatoskr doesn't let some rain stop him! No sir, had some messages to deliver but done that now. Now got time to rest & relax. Or at least race around looking for acorns and dodging Wagner.

But that Maurice character! Now he has a new iPhone he keeps wanting to ring Ratatoskr up. Phone keeps ringing, every ten minutes. All but two times its been that Maurice fella. Maybe should answer it some time. He might even have something important to say. That'd be a change, eh?

Still. More important stuff to worry about. Like acorns. And hazelnuts. And acorns. And peanuts. And acorns. Ooops, there goes the phone again. Just Maurice. Let's all just pretend I'm not here, eh?

Yours nuttily,
Ratatoskr Squirrel.

IPHONE 3G!!!!!!!!

Mes amis, Maewrosr has just recently of teh luanch of teh NEW 3G ipone read. Now Mearose wants one! His old iphone it seems outdated by comparison. But woe is Mearruse! The new iPohne it does not luanchinate until 11th July, 17th Julie in FRance (which is where Maerhose he is now). What is a Maerorse to do?

Well, this mronign Mawuruuuçe took himself down to the warehouses of Orange France, and climbed the high walls and dodged security guards, and mes amis he is now please do be able to tell you that he now an ipHone 3G himself has! Also, he has his agents in aUstraliaia even now working for him to get an Australian iphOne for Morise his Australian SIM card. Merise will not be left out or left behind, No sir he will not!

Maurise cannot wait to a phone call on his new iphoNe make. Also he is certain that a device this elegant, it MUST the new emails make arrive in Murrhyçe's inbox!

Ratatoskr, if you are reading this mon ami, Merrhise he needs your help! Alas, he much cold is and also out of food is running. Mes amis, he is having to get by with foriaging for food.

Last night, he looked under a rock and found a roast pheasant. He under another rock also looked and found a chocolate cake. But, he is not certain how much longre he can this life of foraging and eating poor wild foods (the pheasent was slightly burned) keep up!

Ratatatoskr, Morise neeeds rescuing Much!

Life in Norway, by Merise!

Mes amis, Merrhuyse he is much in luck! This mroning he under a tussock looked, and found several powerpoints mounted into the permafrost. Also, there was a phone and network socket. Also, he was able to his laptop plug in and internet access get. Mes amis, you are saved! The adoring audiense of Morrrise will not be deprived of his geynius most unique!

Alas, Mewrise himself is not yet saved. He still in the North of Norway is trapped. He is hopping that his Good Friend Ratatatatoskr will to the rescue come. Maybe Ratatoskr will a helicopter here fly up. Or maybe he will at the head of a train of reindeer arive. Still, Meruse he hopes that Ratatatosk here arrives very soon. Is cold, mes amis, is cold.

Luckily there was some cold weather gear in the Piper plane Merise he stole. Otherwise, Mawwrwise he would be in big trouble. Also, since the plane it did not explodinate Merrrise he is able to sheltere in it. Le plane Piper, she is too damamged to fly alas. But she can at least shetler to Mawrose the geynius offer!

Mes amsi,s have no doubt that Merosse he will get away from here. Once again very soon you will in Armidale in France see him mes amis!

Bleeple!

Merrhise, 'is iphone batterie it is dying, mes amis! Le iPone it said "Bleeple!" at Mawrise. Naturally, Merise was not at this happy and demanded that it explain itself further. Then he noticed that the iphone, it had Low Battery Alert printed on its screen.

This is not good, mes amis. THe IpHONE is Maroses primary contact with the otuside world. How will he escape if his iphone, its battery is deadinated?

Ratatoskr, if you're reading this, please Marise help! HE promises he will not his slide show of his book tour force you to watch!

MAURISE, blogging LIVE on his IPHONE with a DYING BATTERY from SOMEWHERE in NROTH NORWAY!

Croatia!

Greetings from Merhise, mes amis. Meruse is on his way now to Ukraine, for another itnreview and a nother book singning.

Meriçe, he tried to for his radio interview to prepare a lot but alas his Croatian it was still no good.



Still, Mes amis, at least the book singeing it went wery well. You shuold have been their, mon ami! THere were at least six poeple in the audience for Merhise his reading, mes amis.

The Bolivian ambassador to Croatia and his wife they were in attendance and both they both bought of Merißes book copies. Merrise, he is really going up in the wolrd now! He is in the right circles mixing, and their can be no stopping his sucess now! Maybe if he his cards plays right, he might to Bolivia be invvited!

Well, Merrhiçe will soon in Ukraine be arriving. he is being flown their by Ratatosk, who is Marise there flying in le helicopter de Ratatoskr. Meruse he hopes that Ratatoskr a good helicopter pilot is, and does not the melliflopter crash!

Maurice's schedule for the Book Signing Tour

Bonjour mes amis...

Fooled you, eh? Bet you thought that was Maurice. Not, it's me Ratatoskr!


Well, Maurice is OFF and on his grand tour of Europe now. He wanted me to let you all know his schedule. Here it is, folks:



From: Claudio Garamond [cgaramond@manutius-press.it]
To: Ratatoskr [ratatoskr.squirrel@gmail.com]
CC: Maurice de Perfossor
Subject: Maurice's schedule for the Book Signing Tour

Ratatoskr (and Maurice),

Here is the schedule for Maurice. This is as agreed on the phone with Maurice last week.

Fri 7 Mar 08:35 Fly EasyJet from Paris to Milan.
Mon 8 Mar 11:00 Meet myself at Manutius's offices. Then lunch
Mon 8 Mar 14:00 Book launch, reading and signing at Manutius' office.
Tue 9 Mar Travel to Rome
Wed 10 Mar Signing at Bookstore 'Credulone' in Rome at 10:00
Thu 11 Mar Travel to Greece
Thu 11 Mar Interview on 'Aristophanes Radio' at 18:00
Fri 12 Mar Signing at Bookstore 'Medea' in Athens at 10:32
Sat 13 Mar Free day in Athens
Sun 14 Mar Travel to Albania
Mon 15 Mar Signing at 'American Books' in Tirana at 14:00
Tue 16 Mar Travel to Croatia
Tue 16 Mar Interview on Croatian national radio at 20:00
Wed 17 Mar Signing at 'Not Really American Books' in Zagreb at 13:00
Thu 18 Mar Travel to Ukraine
Fri 19 Mar Interview on local radio at 08:00, Ukraine
Fri 19 Mar Signing at 'Borders Books' 14:00, Kiev
Sat 20 Mar Travel to Poland
Sun 21 Mar Free day in Poland
Sun 21 Mar Interview on national radio, Poland, at 22:00
Mon 22 Mar Book signing in Krakow Books, Warsaw
Tue 23 Mar Book singing in Warsaw Books, Krakow
Wed 24 Mar Travel to Latvia
Thu 25 Mar Book signing at 'Lost Books', Riga at 11:00
Fri 26 Mar Travel to Norway
Fri 26 Mar Interview on Radio Odin at 22:00.
Sat 27 Mar Signing at Thor Books in Oslo at 09:00
Sat 27 Mar Singing at Wodin Books in Bodø at 16:00
Sun 28 Mar Free day in Oslo
Mon 29 Mar Travel to Germany
Mon 29 Mar Intreview on Radio Schweinhund at 22:20
Tue 30 Mar Signing at Analphabetin Bücher in Hamburg at 11:00
Wed 31 Mar Signing at English Books in Munich (Bavaria) at 14:00
Thu 1 Apr Travel to Switzerland
Thu 1 Apr Interview on Schweizer Radio at 20:00
Fri 2 Apr Book singing at Schwachsinnige Bücher in Geneva at 11:00
Sat 3 Apr Free day in Geneva
Sun 3 Apr Free day in Geneva
Mon 4 Apr Travel to UK
Tue 5 Apr Interview on BBC Radio 4
Wed 6 Apr Signing at Why Books in Milton Keynes at 13:00
Thu 7 Apr Signing at Why Not Books, London SE30
Fri 8 Apr Return to France
Sat 9 Apr Interview on French radio at 11:00
Sat 9 Apr Signing at cafe on Rue Mouffetard, Paris
Sun 10 Apr Return to country house near Armidale, France for well earned rest!

Yours

Claudio.

Well, Maurice is gonna be one busy little bee for the next few weeks... Remember folks, plan your holidays so you're not in the same country as he is. If he's coming to your country, go away for a few days! Its worth it. Oh boy is it worth it!

Yours squirrelishly
Ratatoskr.

Greetings from Yggsdrasil

Hello! Ratatoskr here, bringing you more news on a great genius. And also news about Maurice, his friend.

Well, Maurice is back in Paris, eh? I'm pretty happy for him, I guess. He'd be glad to be at home again. It was quite a trip for him! Especially crash landing in France. Gee, that 'genius' messed up again there I think!

Oh gosh. I wonder when Maurice will ring, to tell his old friend Ratatoskr all about it. Oh boy oh boy, I really gotta to switch off that old mobile telephone. Really don't want to hear all that over again.

Maybe I could tell him I don't get any phone reception here at Yggsdrasil. I do, of course, but Maurice does not have to know that, eh?

Yours squirrelishly,
Ratatoskr

Where's Maurice?

Any one want to guess where Maurice is now?

Go on, try!

Wrong. But Ratatoskr knows where Maurice is. Maurice is in the south of France. He hasn't realised it yet, but I guess he will have to eventually.

Oh yes, and that language the locals speak that Maurice cannot understand? It's French. Maurice cannot understand it because - whisper it - Maurice can't actually speak French.

Yours squirrelishly,
Ratatoskr.