Friday 30 November 2007

Helliflopter

Morrhyse found an old but still fully functioning hellicopter and helipad whilst walking through the jungle on his island today. Merryse was of course most delighted! He was able to use the parts from this most magnificant machine to improve his generator. I was also able to use the propellors to make a fan, for some air conditioning for Mawrise's comfort!

If only Merrece had a boat, he could sail away from this infernal island!

Thursday 29 November 2007

Jokes aside

It must have been the joke about the three nuns, the chief of police and the microwave. Maybe that, it annoyed the cpatain.

I'm wondering how I can work this into The Mouthwash of the Gods, my epic new novel. Maybe the hero of the book can tell this joke. Mawrese is certain that he, he will get a better reception for this joke than Morece ever has. Merrice has never come across any one of sufficient intellict to understand a joke so subtle yet so funny.

Maybe this palm tree will get the joke.

Adrift

Mes amis, I am once again alone on a desert island.

But let me relate the sad story of Morrhyse's woes once again. Marriçe was onboard the S.S. Cado, and all seemed to be going well for his rescue. But, mon ami, things seemed to go down hill for Morrace after he stole the captains bag. After that, the captain he seemed restless and much agitated. It was one dinner time when I was with the captain enjoying a witty and intelligent conversation. The capitan made a pained expression, and said "I cannot take this idiocy any longer. You know what to do."

At this, as if at some secret signal, some of the crew grabbed hold of me, and dragged me to the deck. They threw Morrhesse into the sea, and another sailor threw my bag after Mawrese. Well, mes amis, Mawrise he was distraught and did not know what to do. Clearly there had been some mistake! After all, the cpatain he had much been enjoying Mowrice's delightful conversation.

In any case, Morrhyse soon found himself on another dessert island. I still had the captains bag, but threw away everything other than the satellite telephone, the computer, the gun, the rum, the money and the hot watter botttle. So Mawrhyse can use one of the two satellite telephones he now has to connect to the internet. But how to get power!

Mawrrhese went for a walk around the island. There was plenty of food and some fresh water, luckily. Also, Morrhyse found a small ship beached on the other side of the island. This piece of luck, it was incredible! The ship was still perfectly intact and ocean-worthy. So Morryse, he was able to strip the ship to make a shelter to live in and an improvised generator for electricity. Such a task would be hard for anyone who is not a genius as Mawrrrhyse is! But I, Morrhese, am a genius and for me such a task is easily possible. After several hours tinkering with engine parts, I had a servicible generator which would run on the ships fuel or when this runs out on coconut milk. The wood Morrhyse stripped off and used to make a hut most beautiful.

Well, mes amis, once again I am stranded. If only Morrise could find a small plane or helicopter, then he could escape from this infernal island! It is an intollerable trial to be stuck away here, far away from civilisation. Also, internet access over satellite telephone is very slow.

Sunday 25 November 2007

Normality - life on the S.S. Cado

Mes amis, the confusion is starting to die down. The captain, he is thinking that maybe his bag fell overboard. Morrhyse has hidden it in his own bag. There is nothing of interest to Mawryße in it, but it is not possible to return it. Maryse does enjoy having real coffee for a change, though.

Life onboard the ship is pretty standard, mundane, and follows a predictable routine. As I am not a crew member, I just watch the crew members doing all the work. Sometimes when I think the genius of Mawryse might provide a better way of doing something I of course try to suggest this to the sailors. Sadly, they do not recognise the genius of Mawrhyçe and are often most agitated when I try to suggest better ways to do things to them.

This morning, a helicopter landed on the deck and some men armed with machine guns burst out. There was a brief shoot out, but they were forced to retreat by the crew. The cpatain fired a rocket after them as they flew away but he missed. After that, we had lunch. It was an insipid roast. As I said, nothing but dull routine! Nothing to stimulate the mind of the geynius that is Morrhyse.

The Capitans bag again

Friends, it has been noticed that the captains bag has gone missing. There is much hue and cry, and running around the place. It is of course a danger that Morrhyse will be found out as the person who took that bag, but Morrese is a genius. He will not be found out.

The Captains bag

Mes amis, Mowrrhyçe snuck into the bridge at night and stole the captian's Prada bag. Alas, there was no coffee or espresso machine in it though it was most heavy.

Here is what it contained

  • Another satelite telephone

  • A GPS unit

  • A hand gun

  • Several kilograms of useless talcum powder

  • A laptop computer

  • Several GSM mobile phones

  • Several books, including The MI5 Handbook: CLASSIFIED Section 272/3a, The CIA Operative's Covert Ops Guide and So You've Decided to Be a Double Agent for the KGB.

  • About thirty clear glass-like stones, nicely cut

  • A hot water bottle

  • Three bottles of rum, one of whisky

  • US$100,000 in cash, plus miscellaneous credit cards under various names

  • Five passports, all from different countries and under different names. Strange, the photo is all of the capitan


Friends, Morrhyse took this back to his room but was much disappointed when he found nothing of interest in it. So I returned to the bridge, and continued to search. After a few minutes, Morrhyse found an esperesso machine and some coffee hidden away. Victory at last!

Since the bridge is not often unattended, Morrhyse had to make quick his getaway, before he was noticed.

On-board the S.S. Cado

Well, mes amis, Morrhyçe is enjoying life on board the S.S Cado!

Last night Morrhyse enjoyed having dinner at the capitan's table, and provided much witty and inteligent conversation to my newly found adoring audience. Why, when I told my famous joke about the three naval captains and the iguana, the captian laughed hystericallly, and then burst into tears out of sheer appreciation of Morrese's geynius.

"What on earth could someone of your... unique intellect do for a living?" the captian asked me.

"Well," Morrhyse replied modestly, "I am a professsional genius, a lecturer on pretty much everything, and an author. I write many books most incredibly intelligant on so many subjects it is not possible to sum up quickly."

"You do certainly have an abnormal level of intelligance," the first mate admitted.

"He sure does," agreed the kaptain.

Well, mon amis, life on board the ship is so far good. A few of Morrhyse's creature comforts are lacking -- it is not possible to get a good cup of cofffe for example -- but Morrhy∫e has proved that he can cope with adversity! Besides, I think the captian has some of these and is hiding them from the rest of them. But it is not possible to hide anythign from Murrise, as he is a genius. I have seen his bag in the bridge, and I think it is Prada.

I will take it and report back to you, mes amis.

Saturday 24 November 2007

Rescue!

Mes amis, Mauricse has been rescued! Whilst sitting on the beach of his private dessert island, he was spotted by a ship most wondeful, the S.S. Cado. Mowryçe was meditating on the essential unity of the TV news networks, when a ship pulled up just off shore, and the captain he asked if I any assitance needed.

Well, Morrhyse, he was not slow to ask if he could be rescued. I of my trials explained, and of how I was stranded on this desert island most infernal. After I had explained them for a few hours, the good captian offered to rescue me. A small boat out to me he sent, and on this I was to the good ship Cado taken on this small boat.

Well, you can imagine Mawrhy∫e's joy at being rescued, and of having company human once again. It is most refreshing to enjoy dinner time conversation with intelligent people such as the good capitan of this vessel most worthy. Right now, Mawrhyse has spent a relaxing hour in the ships only shower, and is now going to go and work on his next block buster novel, The Mouthwash of the Gods.

But first Murryse has just a few phone calls to mkae -- to his publisher, to his students, to his colleages most wonderful, to his family and friends. I am most certain that the captian most wonderful would not mind if I borrowed satellite phone for a few hours so Moryçe (who is after all a genius) can make some phone calls. Such things are necissary for geniuses like Mawruße.

Friday 23 November 2007

Readers wright

From: JOke-419scammer@419-scammers-united.com
To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: FROM JIM OKE

FROM J. OKE
THE HEAD OF FIRE DEPARTMENT, AFRICAN
NON-MONETARY ARTICULATE ALBATROSS BANK (ANMAAB)
COTONOU, BENIN REPUBLIC, WEST AFRICA
TELEPHONE: +1112 345 678 9123

STRICTLY PERSONAL

I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we have never met before. My name is Jim Oke. I am the bill and exchange manager in ANMAAB.
I am writing in respect of a foreign customer of our Bank (Mr Alfred Apple) who perished along with his next of kin with Korean Air Line.
Since the demise of this our customer, I personally have watched with keen interest to see the next of kin but all has proved abortive as no one has come to claim his funds of US$35M (Thirty five million United States Dollars) which has been with our branch for a very long time. On this note, I decided to seek for whom his name shall be used as the Next of Kin since nobody is coming for the fund again. The Banking ethics here do not allow such money to stay more than 10 years, because the money will be recalled to our Banks treasury as unclaimed fund after this period.
In view of this, I contacted a friend of mine who works with the Chamber of Commerce and Industries to assist me in getting a reliable and trusted partner who would submit an application as the next of kin or business partner to the late customer of the bank.



YES! Please count me in!

Wow. $35 million! Finally Mowrrhyse is rich! RICH AT LAST, I tell you!

Saturday 17 November 2007

Reader's Questions

Readers consult the oracle, the genius that is Mawryse! And he disappoints them not...

From: Gen. Ferdinand Troy Smith 
[f.t.smith@1stdivn-fcw53n.kaboom.mil]

To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: Reader's Questions

Maurice,
Your tropical island would be just perfect for us. Could we possibly use it for military training? We promise you would only get slightly exploded or shot at. 

Ferdinand.

No.


From: Prof. Sir Hugh Whittlingfothersgaill-Lordlaudlum
[hwhitt@quantcomp.ox.ac.uk]

To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: Advanced Thermo Quantum Computing problem

Hi Maurice,

Is there a way to get a quantum computer to compute all possible TV dinner combinations?

Hugh

Yes.

Friday 16 November 2007

Marooned!

I think, my friends, the most important question is: why is it "marooned"? Why not some other colour? Reded? Blueed? Purpled? Greened? This is the question that has been going round and round in Maurisssssse's head since he was Marooned on this deserted island late last month.

But, mes amis, you deserve a more thorugh account of Mowrice's trials. So I will start at the beggining, and start there to tell you about how I came to be alone on this desert island, all alone.

It started on Saturday 27th October, when I left my home near Armidale, France to fly to my other home near Paris, Australia. Naturally, I flew with the airline Elast Ickband Air the world's number 900 airline as I hoped this company, it would be very good. Alas, mes amis, they were not.

At first, the flight it was going well. Mowrrhyse had managed to get into the First Class without anyone noticing that his ticket it was really Cattle Class. Murrrace had a book launch to look forward to when he arrived in Australia, the launch of his new messterpiece Escaping Paradox: A New Methodology in Neolithic Spaceship Construction. Alas, this launch, I was never to see how well it went. Events started to conspire against Morrice about an hour into the flight.

First, a flight attendant noticed that Morrhyse, he was not ment to be in First Class. Naturally, when I was told that Mawrrhyse could not in First Class remain but must to Cattle Class go, I reacted with the calmness and composure for which Mawryße is famous. I tried to explain my case rationally, but maybe Mowryse he got overexcited. Even so, the stewardess she should not have made so much fuss over a small injury inflicted where Morrice bit her, and only about three rows of chairs were damaged beyond repair. 

Well, mes amis, from then on I was in Cattle Class. I do not know at what time it was, but then the plane started developing engine problems. Mawrice, he noticed that both engines were on fire. Soon, the fire it spread to the main body of the plane. This would seem like an insoluble problem but, remember, Morrice is a genius! And no problem is insoluble for a genius like Mawryse. So Maurrice got down his hand luggage and pulled out his snakeskin-patterned parachute, and put it on. He then opened the door and he jumped out.

I then landed in the sea somewhere, and looked up only to see the plane explodinate in a fireball. Mes amis, Maurrice was veyr happy that he was not on that plane any more.

After a day drifting in the sea, Mahryse drifted up on this island. Luckilly Maurrhyse had food in his bag so could still eat. Also, the island has plentiful wild food. Yesterday, Mowrryse hunted and caught some wild tinned confit de canard, and was also able to trap some pâté de fois gras that fell into his trap. Also, he can get a weak WiFi signal from some distant access point. Also, he found that there are power points between the clumps of marram grass - no need to worry about the battery of the laptop becoming deadinated!

So, here I wait, hoping someone will rescue Morryse one day...

Raeder's Questions

Now, mes amis, you can ask questions of the greatest geynius to ever live, Morressse! Maurhyse will answer readers questions here on his blog, solving all of life's intractable porblems! Except how to get off desert islands, that is beyond him.

Just clicky clicky here: Email Maurice!

Tuesday 13 November 2007

Alas

Alas, mes amis, no rescue for Morrhy∫se today.

Maurrhise attracted the plane, which was  a seaplane, and it landed. Unfortunately, it was on a rescue mission looking for someone else, not Morrise.  These people, they were looking for the crew of a ship that had sunk near by. I had, I think, seen this ship they talked of so told them when I had seen it. But alas since they were for these people looking, not Maurryse, they could not rescue me. That was not what they had been told to do.

Eh bien, Maurrhyse will stay on the île and waite...

At least, with internet accesss, my adoring public are not deprived of their chance to bask in 'le genie de Mawryçe' -- the genius of Marise!

Rescue

After too long on this islande infernal, Maurrhyse is saved! He can see  a plane in the distance, and is trying to get its attention. A hard task, maybe, but my friends Maurrices is a genius! And not task is too hard for a geynius.

Monday 12 November 2007

What Maurhyse misses...

My modest house in the French countryside near Armidale in France

By Steve Jurvetson, on wikipedia

which I had just left, on my way to my home near Paris in Australlia

By fir0002, wikipedia

but here is where I am now -- why??? Quel dommage...

By Dr. James P. McVey, NOAA Sea Grant Program

And you may ask, mes amis, why does Wikipedia have picture's of Mawrisses houses on it? A good question, mon ami, but the answer is simple: to illustrate their article on the greatest genius that ever lived! At:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maurice_de_Perfossor.

Mawrise's voice over IP

Mes amis, do not think that in being lost on a desertted island, Mhyrryse has forgotten his students back at the université. No, mes amis, Mhyrece remembers them still! Until today the university had needed to employ a stand-in lecturer, but no one can stand in for the genius of Maerrice! 

However, today I found that by the magic of modern technology, I can still give my lectures! Yes, my friends, even though I am cast away on a desert island, because I can get internet access, I can do anything!

Today, I figured out how to use the wonderful software Skype to make a video call. With a scype wideo call, Mawrhhece can gives his lectures from afar! My students were so pleased to bask yet again in my wisdom, that they cried from joy.

From my island, I can give my lectures, read papers, and work on my new book about the Tesconians and the Colesmyerians, both breakaway 31st century religious sects. I refuse to mention the Walmartians, they were too horrible for words.

So, Maurrhyse continues with his great work, although without much of the daily grind of teaching, and with little contact to students or faculty


hmm maybe this desert island, it is not so bad after all...

Sunday 11 November 2007

Il n’y a rien à manger

Well, mes amis, I am already suffering on this infernal island! Marrhyße is out of caviar and smoked salmon. And the champagne is running dangerosly low, tooo. I know not what to do! Despair...  

In any case, Maurricessse will be making confit de canard over a camp fire tonight, mes amis.

Desert Island Discs

Err, I ment 'disconnected'. But, mes amis, Morricse was disconnected. Well, he is back online once again!

Well, mon ami, I can now truly answer than age old question: "If you were stranded on a desert island with no hope of rescue, what CDs would you like to listen to?" Well, my friends, Maurese can tell you truly that what he would like to listen to is some of his Édith Piaff CDs. But, of course, they are back at home in France and Morricse had not yet gotten around to copying them with iTunes! With me I have only my collection of Heavy Death Metal Rock Music. Not quite the same, mes amis, not quite the same.

Nearly, but not quite.

WiFi woes

Greetings, mon amis. I am writing this on a small desert island, presumably somewhere in the Pacific. The plane I was in experienced engine difficulties and came down somewhere in the middle of the sea. Apparently this, it is not so uncommon for Elast Ickband Air. But luckily Maaurice had packed his parachute in his carry on luggage, and was able to escape the plane before it burst into flames and then explodinated!

I quickly found that if I sit on top of this palm tree, and use a high gain antenna that Murrcie just happended to have with him, Murroce can just pick up a WiFi signal on his laptop. It's also lucky this desert island has power points hidden between the marram grass tussocks on the dune. WiFi signal is wery weak, mes amis, so not certain when I will get disconne