GAZUMPED!!!

Mes amis,..... a tragedie most tragique has occurinated... let me you tell....

Mes amis... Moarose has taken a break from his holiday in Malta to a hosue in London buy.

He is in teh charming city of Londres, England so he can find himslef a hosue that is worthy of his geynius. But he porblems hit even before he he arrivinated. He searched for porperties on teh intern-net taht might of his geynius be worhthy.

BUT he quicjkly founded taht he was priced out of teh top end of teh market!!!?!@1?!?!??????!!! This was inconceivable!!.!?! INCONCEIVABLE!?!????!!!@@ It could not be! Mwaroce a grate geynius is, & so teh best of everything shuold have.

SO it did n't take him long to come to teh conclussion taht he would just have to buyinate teh bestest house possible, even if it bank rupted him for ever& ever. It worth it would be. It would teh message send taht tihs geynius would not settel for 2nd or 3nd best.

SO he around searched & tihs hosue found:

Quality 12 bedroom property for sale in Campden Hill, Kensington, London, W8 - unmodernised, garden, tennis court, garage, planning permission, swimming pool, wine cellar, cottage, country house - Price on application

So he looked at teh web-sight listing & he it much lieked. It was worhtyt of teh geynius of Morrose. So he a viewing of teh porpety arranginated, and indeed he it on Tuesday managed to inspectinate wiht teh Real Estate Agent. He an extensive tuor of teh hosue had & he it much lieked, so he an offer of £42,000,000 to teh real estate agent maded. Teh unreal estat agent was wiht tihs mutch happy, so we back to his car went.

Unfrotunately, taht is when tihngs started to go worng. A car next to us pulled up & Marose by it was much annoyed as it had wery loud rap music playinating which Merose annoyed. SO he went over to complain & TEHN he noticed taht this car -- a big Limousin -- was FULL OF CASH -- all £50 & £100 notes, too, mes amis -- Mjwrose would tohse recognise any where,.

Tehn a man wiht short dark hair & dark glasses got out of teh car. He was wearing a black suit & blakc tie, & looked intimidatating. Maorise was certain he a gun had.

"Hello," he said, "am wery important Russkiĭ business man & am to be havink absolutely no connection to KGB or Russian Mafia, da?" Teh real estat agent noded nerviously. "Am vantink to buy house, da? Pay cash, is good, da?"

Again teh rael estate agent nodded, but thihs time maybe more excitidely tahn nervously.

"Good. Am offer  £100,000,000 for tihs hosue, in cash, no qvestions, da? You accept, da?"

Marose was just abuot to explain explanitorially taht he had an offer on teh hosue made, & also he a grate geynius was, so tihs gentelman it could not ahve, when teh rael estate agent push me aside & said "Yes, of course, sir, that would do nicely."

Móarose was abuot to protest, but he had been pushed off to one side. Maorose! Teh grate geynius!!! Of course he reacted wiht teh calmness & composure for which he is famous. He went back & protested his case most calmly. Maorose might ahve slightly hit tehm with his duck-handled walking stick. Even so, teh rael estate agent taht angry did not have to get & teh highly respected & legitimate Russian business man did not at Moarose have to shootinate. He is certain taht a few stiches are all thats need for the slight cuts to the real estate agents face, & the estate agents car will be fine once a panel beater has beaten out some of teh dents & scratches. And he only broke half teh windows on teh limousine.

Eh bien. Meorose was left to walk back to his ho-tel. Walk!! Teh indignity.

Merise he knows taht Russian business men are highly respected in U.K. business circles as being wery reliable & respectable so he not surpised taht he a hosue in teh U,.K, wanted to buyinate. But he should have realised taht Mierose was teh grater geynius of teh two, & Conceded tihs house to Maoroçe.

On teh bright side, Maorise was abel to grab several handfulls of £100 notes in teh confusion (wiht money flying everywhere) wehn he broke teh windows of teh Russian gentlemans car & tehm in his pockets stuff. So he ahead is. By £20,000.

Mierose is tihinking of maybe a hosue in Greenwich buying. Okay, so may be it not quite as glamorous as Kensignton is, but at least tihs way he will not himself bankrupt for ever & ever.

And may be he should also a country estate some wherre in teh English cuountryside most charming.

Or maybe he shold his town hosue in Edinborough buyinate???

Decisions, mes amis, decisions....!!!1!

Maurice featured in WI magazine?

Ello.

Found this whilst on business from Odin in Devon recently (don't ask. No, really, don't):

Taunton Bake Sale

Last month's fundraising bake-sale in Taunton went far better than expected, raising £1,700 for our charity of the month. In this we were ably assisted by members Patricia Fawltington, Elizabeth Mountbatten and Emily Hythe. We were also rendered invaluable assistance by world-renowned Australian pastry chef Maurice de Perfossor, who baked some of his inestimable macaroons. Though these proved a great temptation to those supervising the stall, we managed not to eat all of them and those that remained sold like hot cakes and no doubt helped us raise far more money for charity than expected. We will be holding another bake sale in Taunton in late April.

So, was this an excerpt from The West Country Templar's Bulletin? Eh? NO. It was from West Country Women's Institute Monthly Newsletter. Maurice, told you it was the WI you were infiltrating, not the Templars. Course, he wouldn't listen, eh? What changes? Would laugh if it wasn't so typical of the so-called "geynius".

Well, gotta dash. More soon.

Yours nuttily,
Ratatoskr.

Mirhose his MAGNIFIQUE trip to teh Untied Kingdom

Mes amis, it much too long has been since Murhyçe has wiht a wobleg post graced you, his loyal raeders. Recently, he has wiht his bon ami Ugliè been inwestigating Templars in teh Untied Kingdom. It much interwesting was.

Loyal raeders might have rembered taht Murrhyse actually to Sicily was lpanning to go, but he made a SLIGHT nawigational error taht was raely trivial and anybody could have made and instead in Devon ended up. Actaully, it was Agly taht made teh error it was was tehreful totally and completely teh fault of Algiè.

Nonetehless, we abel were to find a sekrit Templar cell in deepest darkest Devon. Tehse much fiendish plotting were up to, including organdising a bake sale, which Mirrhuse abel to infiltrate was as indicated in taht prewious wobleg post.

Mirrhose and Agly managed to also make two "side trips" to ohter parts of teh UK (Actually Murose his contacts say teh proper name is NOT teh "United Kingdom" but teh "Ruwvaneth Unys"). Tehy wisited Cornwall & Yorkshire.

In Cornwall, Mirose & Agley were able to track down some Rogue Templars at Tintagel. Miruse managed to outsmartinate tehm, persuading tehm to "Lend" him thier copy of "The Secret Plans of the Templar Brotherhood" (18th century). Of cuorse, Mujruse of returninating it has NO PLANS, regardless of how often tehy him on his mobilephone ring to him remindinate. Teh trip to Conrwall was spoiled only slightly by Mirohse finding taht he could NOT buy Romanee Conti at teh local pub in Tintagel - Mjerhyse touhght taht ewery pub would tihs have.

Wiht just days to spare Aglié insistinated on York wisiting. Meruse (correctly!) thuoght taht tihs was WERY, WERY CRAZY. But to Mirhuse his surprize, tehre a long lost Templar cell in York was!1!1!! Agly dropped eaves(??) on tehm, and much sekret infromation was to find out abel. Murose sat in a cafe and enjoyed Much Coffee and Bacon and Eggs. Murise also infiltrated a Templar meeting, but was thrown out when he treid to wideo tape it.

Taht nite, thuogh, Agly & Mirrose were abel to find out abuot some sekrit tunels taht under York run. Despite braving danggers such as giant rolling boulders, lava pits crosssable only by crumbling rock pillars, and walls wiht poision spikes that closed in rapidly, Mirose & Agly were abel to infiltrate a Templar meeting (tehy have teh Sangreal, but not its owner's manual) and steal a sekrit manuscript.

From teh tunnels we only yesterday mroning escaped, and tehn had to dirve to London to teh YouRowStar train to Paris catch. Wehn we to Paris back got, Agly asleep fell JUST becuase he teh prewiuos two nights had slept not. LIGHTWEIGHT!! Mirose sleep does not need.

Templar bake sale

Mes amis, Mwerise is back in Devon after a MOST ewentful few days in Cornwall, where he got teh better of teh Tintagel Templars!

Still, it not just in Cornwall taht Mwrise has outsmarting teh Templars has been. He is also a group of Templars in Devon infiltrating been. He managed to infiltrate a diabolically ewil Templar Cake Stall, held in Taunton last week. Mirrhose managed to get in undected by posing as "Mwrise de Perfossor, internationally famuos baker" who was wisiting from Australie. This tehy beleived, of course, since Mwrise is a geynius at many things including (1) lying to Templars, (2) bakeing (so his claim, it beleivable was!1!!1!).

Mirrhose a batch of his famus Macaroons baked for teh sale, and drove along early morning to wiht teh stall help out. All teh Templars were disguised as elderly ladies, which a most feindish disguise was. Mwruse was abel to watch tehm trying to convert teh Good Poeple of Taunton to Templarism, but luckily tehy did not tihs manage. Tehy managed to raise several hundred pounds, which tehy CLAIM is for charity but is really going to teihr plans of world domination fundinate.

Mirrhose his macaroons natuarally teh BEST SELLER where, so Mirrhuse now is in a QUANDRY. He taht day MUCH useful infromation about templar plans for wrold domination out found, BUT his macaroons most magnifique HELPED to FUND teihr evil plans most evil!! OH nOES!!!

Stil, also now have much useful infromation about teh Cornish templars. Agly says we are ahead of tehm, so all is well. Heading back to Paris next week, mision accomplishinated.