Merrhyse is unhappy as he by himself all alone on this ilsand most horrible celebrated Christmas.
But, mes amis, not to be despondent! Mawrhyse has a method to escape from here determined, and will tell all his readers most loyal and devoted when he it has just perfected most beautifully.
First I have to figure out how to make plane fuel from coconut milk. Hmm, tricky! But Meriçe is a geynius. And for a geynius, nothing is imposible. NOTHING, mon ami!
Thursday 27 December 2007
Sunday 16 December 2007
Good news everybody!
Horray once again for Merhise! Marrhyse has just got off the phone, after a conversation on the iridium satellite phone that lasted for many hours. This, it was the last of a number of téléphone calls that Murose made to secure himself a new publisher more fitted to his status as an Author Most Important.
The Milanese publisher most prestigious, Manutius, has agreed to publish Merrhyçe's new book The Mouthwash of the Gods. Marhise, he is overjoyed! The owner, a M. garamond, says that when I get off this island prison most infernal he will to his office invite me for cofee. Also, Murrise has agreed to write a book on the ancient mystic traditions encoded in the easter island paintings for their series new, Isis Unveilled. Maryse, he is convinced it will be a triumph. I, Meryse will make it so!
Also, I started reading Foucault's Pendulum yesterday, but had to stop. Merrhyse, he did not understand it. It was too trivial for a mind as great as his. It's by some guy named Umbarto Eco or Umberto Eko, I can remember not. still it, it is not significant to this post at all.
The Milanese publisher most prestigious, Manutius, has agreed to publish Merrhyçe's new book The Mouthwash of the Gods. Marhise, he is overjoyed! The owner, a M. garamond, says that when I get off this island prison most infernal he will to his office invite me for cofee. Also, Murrise has agreed to write a book on the ancient mystic traditions encoded in the easter island paintings for their series new, Isis Unveilled. Maryse, he is convinced it will be a triumph. I, Meryse will make it so!
Also, I started reading Foucault's Pendulum yesterday, but had to stop. Merrhyse, he did not understand it. It was too trivial for a mind as great as his. It's by some guy named Umbarto Eco or Umberto Eko, I can remember not. still it, it is not significant to this post at all.
Frenquenly unasked questions
F.unA.Q. no 3489312
From: "Níðhöggr" [nithhoggr@dragonclaw.yggsdrasil-online.org]
To: Ratatoskr.Squirrel
Subject: Paris
Has Maurice ever really visited Paris?
Good question for Ratatoskr. I'm perfect squirrel to answer this. Easy -- its as likely as I've ever visted Ásgard. That answers it for once and for all doesn't it?
Hey! whos that asking then how come Maurice knows so much about Paris if he's never been there? Easy. Never said he'd not been to Paris. Matter of fact, I've visited Ásgard. Why'd you think I hadn't. I am Ratatoskr, no ordinary squirrel.
Ásgard's a nice enough place, but the cafes are overrated and the gift shop is frankly just overpriced.
Oh yes, and Víðópnir says to say your flames are luke warm and you can't fly as well as him. After all you're at Yggsdrasils roots whilst he soars high above you at its very top. You want me to pass on another message back to him for you? Eagles, huh.
Your squirrelly squirrel,
Ratatoskr.
From: "Níðhöggr" [nithhoggr@dragonclaw.yggsdrasil-online.org]
To: Ratatoskr.Squirrel
Subject: Paris
Has Maurice ever really visited Paris?
Good question for Ratatoskr. I'm perfect squirrel to answer this. Easy -- its as likely as I've ever visted Ásgard. That answers it for once and for all doesn't it?
Hey! whos that asking then how come Maurice knows so much about Paris if he's never been there? Easy. Never said he'd not been to Paris. Matter of fact, I've visited Ásgard. Why'd you think I hadn't. I am Ratatoskr, no ordinary squirrel.
Ásgard's a nice enough place, but the cafes are overrated and the gift shop is frankly just overpriced.
Oh yes, and Víðópnir says to say your flames are luke warm and you can't fly as well as him. After all you're at Yggsdrasils roots whilst he soars high above you at its very top. You want me to pass on another message back to him for you? Eagles, huh.
Your squirrelly squirrel,
Ratatoskr.
Saturday 15 December 2007
Café society
It's good to see that my old friend Ratatosk is keeping you at home well informed of the geynius that is Merose. I have not a chance to read any of his posts yet had, but am sure he nothing but praise and adoration for his good freind Merrice has. I am also sure that you, mes amis, my loyal readers are greatful to have another window onto the geynius that is Marreçe.
Well, mon ami, today Merise day dreamed about walking down the long boulevards of Paris, and drinking many cups of coffe with his good freinds in small parisian cafes. The eleganse! The conversation most intelligant! And all these people in admiration of Meryse! Merrriße misses it all much.
Still, even if Maryse cannot the wide boulevards of paris recreate, he can try to recreate a small coffe shop. He has the espresso machine set up on a small bench, and has a counter created for his cafe. Now all that is missing is the conversation intelligent and the adoring people come to admire the great Merhise.
Still, at least Mauwrhyse can enjoy an intellectual discussion with this palm tree. ANd debates with that basalt boulder. These conversations, they help keep Merrhyse sane and happy. Oh to be in Paris now spring is here.
Hang on springs not here yet in Paris. Its still mid winter.
Well, mon ami, today Merise day dreamed about walking down the long boulevards of Paris, and drinking many cups of coffe with his good freinds in small parisian cafes. The eleganse! The conversation most intelligant! And all these people in admiration of Meryse! Merrriße misses it all much.
Still, even if Maryse cannot the wide boulevards of paris recreate, he can try to recreate a small coffe shop. He has the espresso machine set up on a small bench, and has a counter created for his cafe. Now all that is missing is the conversation intelligent and the adoring people come to admire the great Merhise.
Still, at least Mauwrhyse can enjoy an intellectual discussion with this palm tree. ANd debates with that basalt boulder. These conversations, they help keep Merrhyse sane and happy. Oh to be in Paris now spring is here.
Hang on springs not here yet in Paris. Its still mid winter.
Friday 14 December 2007
Fun facts to know and share #56971
Maurice is not really French, he is just pretending.
I'm not tricking you. Not at all. I, Ratatoskr, really am a squirrel, and I live on Yggsdrasil. Boy oh boy did that genius Maurice mess up hiring me as his PA, rather than Hermes. Squirrels do not good PAs make. Still, great for Ratatoskr. Keeps me in acorns.
It's not exactly the first or last time that Maurice has messed up big time too.
Regards,
Ratatoskr.Squirrel
I'm not tricking you. Not at all. I, Ratatoskr, really am a squirrel, and I live on Yggsdrasil. Boy oh boy did that genius Maurice mess up hiring me as his PA, rather than Hermes. Squirrels do not good PAs make. Still, great for Ratatoskr. Keeps me in acorns.
It's not exactly the first or last time that Maurice has messed up big time too.
Regards,
Ratatoskr.Squirrel
Tuesday 11 December 2007
Phoning Merise's editor
Merese rang his editor on the satellite phone today. I do not always with my editor get on well, so it was not as pleasant as one may expect of such a phone conversation.
After all, one would expect a lowly editor would of course be honoured to work for such a great genius as M. Muryce de Perfossor! Alas, it is not the case, mon ami. My editor, he is much annoyed with Merisse. Morase wonders if this is because he at him a chair threw last time we met. No, Merryse is convinced it is not this minor incident. Morrrise is the definition of composure at all times, and they were eventually able to rebuild their garden pagoda.
No, mes amis, it is simply that a person as mediocre can not with such a great mind, with such a genius as is Mariçe cope. No, it is beyond him and he is envious of my intellect and my fans most devoted. Maybe he is just of my red beret most wondeful envious.
Eh bien, when Meryße is off this island he will another publisher find. One who his great genius can appreciate. It will be them, not V. A. Nity Press that will publish Meryse's new messterpeice, the novel The Mouthwash of the Gods!
After all, one would expect a lowly editor would of course be honoured to work for such a great genius as M. Muryce de Perfossor! Alas, it is not the case, mon ami. My editor, he is much annoyed with Merisse. Morase wonders if this is because he at him a chair threw last time we met. No, Merryse is convinced it is not this minor incident. Morrrise is the definition of composure at all times, and they were eventually able to rebuild their garden pagoda.
No, mes amis, it is simply that a person as mediocre can not with such a great mind, with such a genius as is Mariçe cope. No, it is beyond him and he is envious of my intellect and my fans most devoted. Maybe he is just of my red beret most wondeful envious.
Eh bien, when Meryße is off this island he will another publisher find. One who his great genius can appreciate. It will be them, not V. A. Nity Press that will publish Meryse's new messterpeice, the novel The Mouthwash of the Gods!
Saturday 8 December 2007
Gargle twice daily with NEW improved mouthwash
Well, thanks to Ratatosk for his post. I have not a chance to read it yet had but I am told it provides another angle on the geynius that is Merise.
Well, mes amis, Merryse continues his great work, working tirelessly on his messterpiece, that epic novel, The Mouthwash of the Gods. I am just to the point where the hero convinces both Odin and Apollo that they should gargle with NEW improved Septic Mouthwash. It is quite a moment dramatique, and one of the central points most epic of such a novel so new and unique that it is incomparible, mon ami. Incomparable!
Well, mes amis, stuck here on a desert island Marryçe missed the iPhone launch in Paris. here is the luanch I missed out on, from mon ami youtube:
Well, Merryße is much sad that he this most wonderful event missed out on completely. But now he can watch it on the internet, it is not so bad, mes amis. Also, he now his has wery own iPhone and he with it is much happy even if he it cannot much use as there is no mobile phone network nearby.
Still, at least he has this satellite phone. Still, you should see how long a video YouTube takes to load on this very slow satelite link. It is very very slow, mes amis, very slow.
Merryse notices the difference betweeen this and ADSL...
Well, mes amis, Merryse continues his great work, working tirelessly on his messterpiece, that epic novel, The Mouthwash of the Gods. I am just to the point where the hero convinces both Odin and Apollo that they should gargle with NEW improved Septic Mouthwash. It is quite a moment dramatique, and one of the central points most epic of such a novel so new and unique that it is incomparible, mon ami. Incomparable!
Well, mes amis, stuck here on a desert island Marryçe missed the iPhone launch in Paris. here is the luanch I missed out on, from mon ami youtube:
Well, Merryße is much sad that he this most wonderful event missed out on completely. But now he can watch it on the internet, it is not so bad, mes amis. Also, he now his has wery own iPhone and he with it is much happy even if he it cannot much use as there is no mobile phone network nearby.
Still, at least he has this satellite phone. Still, you should see how long a video YouTube takes to load on this very slow satelite link. It is very very slow, mes amis, very slow.
Merryse notices the difference betweeen this and ADSL...
Ratatoskr!
Well hello there from Ratatoskr, your all time favourite squirrel.
Well things were pretty quiet here on Yggsdrasil, then I checked my email and found that my good friend Maurice had invited me to contribute to his weblog! Boy oh boy did that so-called 'geynius' mess up this time. Truly they say to err is human, but to really really mess up big time, massive scale you need to be Maurice.
And it may be human to err, but as a squirrel that doesn't really apply to me.
Yours,
Ratatoskr
Well things were pretty quiet here on Yggsdrasil, then I checked my email and found that my good friend Maurice had invited me to contribute to his weblog! Boy oh boy did that so-called 'geynius' mess up this time. Truly they say to err is human, but to really really mess up big time, massive scale you need to be Maurice.
And it may be human to err, but as a squirrel that doesn't really apply to me.
Yours,
Ratatoskr
Friday 7 December 2007
Code division multiple access
Mes amis, Mawresse has noticed that one of the captains mobile phones is CDMA. So he can confirm that he cannot even get a signal CDMA here on this desert island.
Merrose, his iPhone arrived today via courier. He was much excited to have un nouveau téléphone mobile. He has activated it using his computer, but I am not able to much else do with it. Merrase is on an uninhabited desert island in the middle of the pacific, all alone. There are no GSM mobile phone networks here, mon ami. Still, he can his calendar work out! Here is an extract:
Friday 7th December: Wait for rescue.
Saturday 8th December: Wait for rescue.
Sunday 9th December: Day off. Read book. Talk to palm trees.
Monday 10th December: Wait for rescue.
Tuesday 11th December: Wait for rescue.
Wednesday 12th December: Wait for rescue.
Mes amis, I think you the picture get! Still, at least I this satellite téléphone have.
Merrose, his iPhone arrived today via courier. He was much excited to have un nouveau téléphone mobile. He has activated it using his computer, but I am not able to much else do with it. Merrase is on an uninhabited desert island in the middle of the pacific, all alone. There are no GSM mobile phone networks here, mon ami. Still, he can his calendar work out! Here is an extract:
Friday 7th December: Wait for rescue.
Saturday 8th December: Wait for rescue.
Sunday 9th December: Day off. Read book. Talk to palm trees.
Monday 10th December: Wait for rescue.
Tuesday 11th December: Wait for rescue.
Wednesday 12th December: Wait for rescue.
Mes amis, I think you the picture get! Still, at least I this satellite téléphone have.
Rue Mouffetard
From: Jacques [jacques@mouffetard-1.fr]
To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: Rue Mouffetard
Please tell us about your wonderful apartment on Rue Mouffetard?
Jacques
Well, my devoted readers, you have spoken and I, Morreyse, have listened! Eh bien, my appartment most beautiful is what you will hear about.
It is too, too long since I have been in my beautiful Rue Mouffetard apartment. Still, I miss the markets most beautiful, and the cofee shops where I would talk to my devoted audiences. Mowrrise would sit and talk to a devoted audience until they all suddenly had to go, and the coffee shop it became very empty. This often happened quite quickly, but Morese knows they did not want to go. They were enjoying listening to me speak.
And Moryçe's apartment was the epitome of understated French elegance! The simplicity yet beauty of it astounded people much!
Here, mes amis, is Morrhyse's bedroom:
Here is is simple but functional living room and study:
My favourite memory still is walking down Rue Moufffetard one winter's evening, with the lights most bright shining and the cold and the darkness all around Morrhyse, knowing that he his apartment most beautiful had to go back to. It is at such time that Parris is at its most beautiful, at night in the lights of the street.
Mowreyce misses it still!
To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: Rue Mouffetard
Please tell us about your wonderful apartment on Rue Mouffetard?
Jacques
Well, my devoted readers, you have spoken and I, Morreyse, have listened! Eh bien, my appartment most beautiful is what you will hear about.
It is too, too long since I have been in my beautiful Rue Mouffetard apartment. Still, I miss the markets most beautiful, and the cofee shops where I would talk to my devoted audiences. Mowrrise would sit and talk to a devoted audience until they all suddenly had to go, and the coffee shop it became very empty. This often happened quite quickly, but Morese knows they did not want to go. They were enjoying listening to me speak.
And Moryçe's apartment was the epitome of understated French elegance! The simplicity yet beauty of it astounded people much!
Here, mes amis, is Morrhyse's bedroom:
Here is is simple but functional living room and study:
My favourite memory still is walking down Rue Moufffetard one winter's evening, with the lights most bright shining and the cold and the darkness all around Morrhyse, knowing that he his apartment most beautiful had to go back to. It is at such time that Parris is at its most beautiful, at night in the lights of the street.
Mowreyce misses it still!
Thursday 6 December 2007
Apologies, mes amis, apologies
Mes amis, Mowrhiçe must apologise much for his extended silence. I am ware of the sorrow and suffering my many fans must have felt, being deprived evenly briefly of the wit and wisdom fantastique of Maurace.
Well, fear no more, Merrhise is here! Moruse has spent the past few days exploring his island prison, and, mon amis, it is not so bad. There is plenty of food and fresh water. Yesterday, Marrese caught several saucisse de Morteau in his trap. And I have a shelter most beautiful built, which has a desk for Mowrece''s great work, and a small bedrom most beautiful.
Seeing how lovingly constructed and perfect, yet how small and simple and isolated, his new hut is Morrese was tempted to shed a few tears. How I remember my apartment on Rue Mouffetard! It is a far cry from this little hut. I get faster internet access there too. Mowrise misses shopping in the market, and drinking coffe in the little cafes. Ah, how he misses it!
Also, Merrise missed out on the launch of the iPhone, which in Paris happened recently. He has by mail order bought one but he is thinking it is not likely I will a singal from Orange's french mobile network pick up in the middle of the pacific. Even with roaming, there are no standard GSM mobile phone networks here, mes amis.
Maybe CDMA would work.
Well, fear no more, Merrhise is here! Moruse has spent the past few days exploring his island prison, and, mon amis, it is not so bad. There is plenty of food and fresh water. Yesterday, Marrese caught several saucisse de Morteau in his trap. And I have a shelter most beautiful built, which has a desk for Mowrece''s great work, and a small bedrom most beautiful.
Seeing how lovingly constructed and perfect, yet how small and simple and isolated, his new hut is Morrese was tempted to shed a few tears. How I remember my apartment on Rue Mouffetard! It is a far cry from this little hut. I get faster internet access there too. Mowrise misses shopping in the market, and drinking coffe in the little cafes. Ah, how he misses it!
Also, Merrise missed out on the launch of the iPhone, which in Paris happened recently. He has by mail order bought one but he is thinking it is not likely I will a singal from Orange's french mobile network pick up in the middle of the pacific. Even with roaming, there are no standard GSM mobile phone networks here, mes amis.
Maybe CDMA would work.
Friday 30 November 2007
Helliflopter
Morrhyse found an old but still fully functioning hellicopter and helipad whilst walking through the jungle on his island today. Merryse was of course most delighted! He was able to use the parts from this most magnificant machine to improve his generator. I was also able to use the propellors to make a fan, for some air conditioning for Mawrise's comfort!
If only Merrece had a boat, he could sail away from this infernal island!
If only Merrece had a boat, he could sail away from this infernal island!
Thursday 29 November 2007
Jokes aside
It must have been the joke about the three nuns, the chief of police and the microwave. Maybe that, it annoyed the cpatain.
I'm wondering how I can work this into The Mouthwash of the Gods, my epic new novel. Maybe the hero of the book can tell this joke. Mawrese is certain that he, he will get a better reception for this joke than Morece ever has. Merrice has never come across any one of sufficient intellict to understand a joke so subtle yet so funny.
Maybe this palm tree will get the joke.
I'm wondering how I can work this into The Mouthwash of the Gods, my epic new novel. Maybe the hero of the book can tell this joke. Mawrese is certain that he, he will get a better reception for this joke than Morece ever has. Merrice has never come across any one of sufficient intellict to understand a joke so subtle yet so funny.
Maybe this palm tree will get the joke.
Adrift
Mes amis, I am once again alone on a desert island.
But let me relate the sad story of Morrhyse's woes once again. Marriçe was onboard the S.S. Cado, and all seemed to be going well for his rescue. But, mon ami, things seemed to go down hill for Morrace after he stole the captains bag. After that, the captain he seemed restless and much agitated. It was one dinner time when I was with the captain enjoying a witty and intelligent conversation. The capitan made a pained expression, and said "I cannot take this idiocy any longer. You know what to do."
At this, as if at some secret signal, some of the crew grabbed hold of me, and dragged me to the deck. They threw Morrhesse into the sea, and another sailor threw my bag after Mawrese. Well, mes amis, Mawrise he was distraught and did not know what to do. Clearly there had been some mistake! After all, the cpatain he had much been enjoying Mowrice's delightful conversation.
In any case, Morrhyse soon found himself on another dessert island. I still had the captains bag, but threw away everything other than the satellite telephone, the computer, the gun, the rum, the money and the hot watter botttle. So Mawrhyse can use one of the two satellite telephones he now has to connect to the internet. But how to get power!
Mawrrhese went for a walk around the island. There was plenty of food and some fresh water, luckily. Also, Morrhyse found a small ship beached on the other side of the island. This piece of luck, it was incredible! The ship was still perfectly intact and ocean-worthy. So Morryse, he was able to strip the ship to make a shelter to live in and an improvised generator for electricity. Such a task would be hard for anyone who is not a genius as Mawrrrhyse is! But I, Morrhese, am a genius and for me such a task is easily possible. After several hours tinkering with engine parts, I had a servicible generator which would run on the ships fuel or when this runs out on coconut milk. The wood Morrhyse stripped off and used to make a hut most beautiful.
Well, mes amis, once again I am stranded. If only Morrise could find a small plane or helicopter, then he could escape from this infernal island! It is an intollerable trial to be stuck away here, far away from civilisation. Also, internet access over satellite telephone is very slow.
But let me relate the sad story of Morrhyse's woes once again. Marriçe was onboard the S.S. Cado, and all seemed to be going well for his rescue. But, mon ami, things seemed to go down hill for Morrace after he stole the captains bag. After that, the captain he seemed restless and much agitated. It was one dinner time when I was with the captain enjoying a witty and intelligent conversation. The capitan made a pained expression, and said "I cannot take this idiocy any longer. You know what to do."
At this, as if at some secret signal, some of the crew grabbed hold of me, and dragged me to the deck. They threw Morrhesse into the sea, and another sailor threw my bag after Mawrese. Well, mes amis, Mawrise he was distraught and did not know what to do. Clearly there had been some mistake! After all, the cpatain he had much been enjoying Mowrice's delightful conversation.
In any case, Morrhyse soon found himself on another dessert island. I still had the captains bag, but threw away everything other than the satellite telephone, the computer, the gun, the rum, the money and the hot watter botttle. So Mawrhyse can use one of the two satellite telephones he now has to connect to the internet. But how to get power!
Mawrrhese went for a walk around the island. There was plenty of food and some fresh water, luckily. Also, Morrhyse found a small ship beached on the other side of the island. This piece of luck, it was incredible! The ship was still perfectly intact and ocean-worthy. So Morryse, he was able to strip the ship to make a shelter to live in and an improvised generator for electricity. Such a task would be hard for anyone who is not a genius as Mawrrrhyse is! But I, Morrhese, am a genius and for me such a task is easily possible. After several hours tinkering with engine parts, I had a servicible generator which would run on the ships fuel or when this runs out on coconut milk. The wood Morrhyse stripped off and used to make a hut most beautiful.
Well, mes amis, once again I am stranded. If only Morrise could find a small plane or helicopter, then he could escape from this infernal island! It is an intollerable trial to be stuck away here, far away from civilisation. Also, internet access over satellite telephone is very slow.
Sunday 25 November 2007
Normality - life on the S.S. Cado
Mes amis, the confusion is starting to die down. The captain, he is thinking that maybe his bag fell overboard. Morrhyse has hidden it in his own bag. There is nothing of interest to Mawryße in it, but it is not possible to return it. Maryse does enjoy having real coffee for a change, though.
Life onboard the ship is pretty standard, mundane, and follows a predictable routine. As I am not a crew member, I just watch the crew members doing all the work. Sometimes when I think the genius of Mawryse might provide a better way of doing something I of course try to suggest this to the sailors. Sadly, they do not recognise the genius of Mawrhyçe and are often most agitated when I try to suggest better ways to do things to them.
This morning, a helicopter landed on the deck and some men armed with machine guns burst out. There was a brief shoot out, but they were forced to retreat by the crew. The cpatain fired a rocket after them as they flew away but he missed. After that, we had lunch. It was an insipid roast. As I said, nothing but dull routine! Nothing to stimulate the mind of the geynius that is Morrhyse.
Life onboard the ship is pretty standard, mundane, and follows a predictable routine. As I am not a crew member, I just watch the crew members doing all the work. Sometimes when I think the genius of Mawryse might provide a better way of doing something I of course try to suggest this to the sailors. Sadly, they do not recognise the genius of Mawrhyçe and are often most agitated when I try to suggest better ways to do things to them.
This morning, a helicopter landed on the deck and some men armed with machine guns burst out. There was a brief shoot out, but they were forced to retreat by the crew. The cpatain fired a rocket after them as they flew away but he missed. After that, we had lunch. It was an insipid roast. As I said, nothing but dull routine! Nothing to stimulate the mind of the geynius that is Morrhyse.
The Capitans bag again
Friends, it has been noticed that the captains bag has gone missing. There is much hue and cry, and running around the place. It is of course a danger that Morrhyse will be found out as the person who took that bag, but Morrese is a genius. He will not be found out.
The Captains bag
Mes amis, Mowrrhyçe snuck into the bridge at night and stole the captian's Prada bag. Alas, there was no coffee or espresso machine in it though it was most heavy.
Here is what it contained
Friends, Morrhyse took this back to his room but was much disappointed when he found nothing of interest in it. So I returned to the bridge, and continued to search. After a few minutes, Morrhyse found an esperesso machine and some coffee hidden away. Victory at last!
Since the bridge is not often unattended, Morrhyse had to make quick his getaway, before he was noticed.
Here is what it contained
- Another satelite telephone
- A GPS unit
- A hand gun
- Several kilograms of useless talcum powder
- A laptop computer
- Several GSM mobile phones
- Several books, including The MI5 Handbook: CLASSIFIED Section 272/3a, The CIA Operative's Covert Ops Guide and So You've Decided to Be a Double Agent for the KGB.
- About thirty clear glass-like stones, nicely cut
- A hot water bottle
- Three bottles of rum, one of whisky
- US$100,000 in cash, plus miscellaneous credit cards under various names
- Five passports, all from different countries and under different names. Strange, the photo is all of the capitan
Friends, Morrhyse took this back to his room but was much disappointed when he found nothing of interest in it. So I returned to the bridge, and continued to search. After a few minutes, Morrhyse found an esperesso machine and some coffee hidden away. Victory at last!
Since the bridge is not often unattended, Morrhyse had to make quick his getaway, before he was noticed.
On-board the S.S. Cado
Well, mes amis, Morrhyçe is enjoying life on board the S.S Cado!
Last night Morrhyse enjoyed having dinner at the capitan's table, and provided much witty and inteligent conversation to my newly found adoring audience. Why, when I told my famous joke about the three naval captains and the iguana, the captian laughed hystericallly, and then burst into tears out of sheer appreciation of Morrese's geynius.
"What on earth could someone of your... unique intellect do for a living?" the captian asked me.
"Well," Morrhyse replied modestly, "I am a professsional genius, a lecturer on pretty much everything, and an author. I write many books most incredibly intelligant on so many subjects it is not possible to sum up quickly."
"You do certainly have an abnormal level of intelligance," the first mate admitted.
"He sure does," agreed the kaptain.
Well, mon amis, life on board the ship is so far good. A few of Morrhyse's creature comforts are lacking -- it is not possible to get a good cup of cofffe for example -- but Morrhy∫e has proved that he can cope with adversity! Besides, I think the captian has some of these and is hiding them from the rest of them. But it is not possible to hide anythign from Murrise, as he is a genius. I have seen his bag in the bridge, and I think it is Prada.
I will take it and report back to you, mes amis.
Last night Morrhyse enjoyed having dinner at the capitan's table, and provided much witty and inteligent conversation to my newly found adoring audience. Why, when I told my famous joke about the three naval captains and the iguana, the captian laughed hystericallly, and then burst into tears out of sheer appreciation of Morrese's geynius.
"What on earth could someone of your... unique intellect do for a living?" the captian asked me.
"Well," Morrhyse replied modestly, "I am a professsional genius, a lecturer on pretty much everything, and an author. I write many books most incredibly intelligant on so many subjects it is not possible to sum up quickly."
"You do certainly have an abnormal level of intelligance," the first mate admitted.
"He sure does," agreed the kaptain.
Well, mon amis, life on board the ship is so far good. A few of Morrhyse's creature comforts are lacking -- it is not possible to get a good cup of cofffe for example -- but Morrhy∫e has proved that he can cope with adversity! Besides, I think the captian has some of these and is hiding them from the rest of them. But it is not possible to hide anythign from Murrise, as he is a genius. I have seen his bag in the bridge, and I think it is Prada.
I will take it and report back to you, mes amis.
Saturday 24 November 2007
Rescue!
Mes amis, Mauricse has been rescued! Whilst sitting on the beach of his private dessert island, he was spotted by a ship most wondeful, the S.S. Cado. Mowryçe was meditating on the essential unity of the TV news networks, when a ship pulled up just off shore, and the captain he asked if I any assitance needed.
Well, Morrhyse, he was not slow to ask if he could be rescued. I of my trials explained, and of how I was stranded on this desert island most infernal. After I had explained them for a few hours, the good captian offered to rescue me. A small boat out to me he sent, and on this I was to the good ship Cado taken on this small boat.
Well, you can imagine Mawrhy∫e's joy at being rescued, and of having company human once again. It is most refreshing to enjoy dinner time conversation with intelligent people such as the good capitan of this vessel most worthy. Right now, Mawrhyse has spent a relaxing hour in the ships only shower, and is now going to go and work on his next block buster novel, The Mouthwash of the Gods.
But first Murryse has just a few phone calls to mkae -- to his publisher, to his students, to his colleages most wonderful, to his family and friends. I am most certain that the captian most wonderful would not mind if I borrowed satellite phone for a few hours so Moryçe (who is after all a genius) can make some phone calls. Such things are necissary for geniuses like Mawruße.
Well, Morrhyse, he was not slow to ask if he could be rescued. I of my trials explained, and of how I was stranded on this desert island most infernal. After I had explained them for a few hours, the good captian offered to rescue me. A small boat out to me he sent, and on this I was to the good ship Cado taken on this small boat.
Well, you can imagine Mawrhy∫e's joy at being rescued, and of having company human once again. It is most refreshing to enjoy dinner time conversation with intelligent people such as the good capitan of this vessel most worthy. Right now, Mawrhyse has spent a relaxing hour in the ships only shower, and is now going to go and work on his next block buster novel, The Mouthwash of the Gods.
But first Murryse has just a few phone calls to mkae -- to his publisher, to his students, to his colleages most wonderful, to his family and friends. I am most certain that the captian most wonderful would not mind if I borrowed satellite phone for a few hours so Moryçe (who is after all a genius) can make some phone calls. Such things are necissary for geniuses like Mawruße.
Friday 23 November 2007
Readers wright
From: JOke-419scammer@419-scammers-united.com
To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: FROM JIM OKE
FROM J. OKE
THE HEAD OF FIRE DEPARTMENT, AFRICAN
NON-MONETARY ARTICULATE ALBATROSS BANK (ANMAAB)
COTONOU, BENIN REPUBLIC, WEST AFRICA
TELEPHONE: +1112 345 678 9123
STRICTLY PERSONAL
I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we have never met before. My name is Jim Oke. I am the bill and exchange manager in ANMAAB.
I am writing in respect of a foreign customer of our Bank (Mr Alfred Apple) who perished along with his next of kin with Korean Air Line.
Since the demise of this our customer, I personally have watched with keen interest to see the next of kin but all has proved abortive as no one has come to claim his funds of US$35M (Thirty five million United States Dollars) which has been with our branch for a very long time. On this note, I decided to seek for whom his name shall be used as the Next of Kin since nobody is coming for the fund again. The Banking ethics here do not allow such money to stay more than 10 years, because the money will be recalled to our Banks treasury as unclaimed fund after this period.
In view of this, I contacted a friend of mine who works with the Chamber of Commerce and Industries to assist me in getting a reliable and trusted partner who would submit an application as the next of kin or business partner to the late customer of the bank.
YES! Please count me in!
Wow. $35 million! Finally Mowrrhyse is rich! RICH AT LAST, I tell you!
To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: FROM JIM OKE
FROM J. OKE
THE HEAD OF FIRE DEPARTMENT, AFRICAN
NON-MONETARY ARTICULATE ALBATROSS BANK (ANMAAB)
COTONOU, BENIN REPUBLIC, WEST AFRICA
TELEPHONE: +1112 345 678 9123
STRICTLY PERSONAL
I know that this mail will come to you as a surprise as we have never met before. My name is Jim Oke. I am the bill and exchange manager in ANMAAB.
I am writing in respect of a foreign customer of our Bank (Mr Alfred Apple) who perished along with his next of kin with Korean Air Line.
Since the demise of this our customer, I personally have watched with keen interest to see the next of kin but all has proved abortive as no one has come to claim his funds of US$35M (Thirty five million United States Dollars) which has been with our branch for a very long time. On this note, I decided to seek for whom his name shall be used as the Next of Kin since nobody is coming for the fund again. The Banking ethics here do not allow such money to stay more than 10 years, because the money will be recalled to our Banks treasury as unclaimed fund after this period.
In view of this, I contacted a friend of mine who works with the Chamber of Commerce and Industries to assist me in getting a reliable and trusted partner who would submit an application as the next of kin or business partner to the late customer of the bank.
YES! Please count me in!
Wow. $35 million! Finally Mowrrhyse is rich! RICH AT LAST, I tell you!
Saturday 17 November 2007
Reader's Questions
Readers consult the oracle, the genius that is Mawryse! And he disappoints them not...
From: Gen. Ferdinand Troy Smith
[f.t.smith@1stdivn-fcw53n.kaboom.mil]
To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: Reader's Questions
Maurice,
Your tropical island would be just perfect for us. Could we possibly use it for military training? We promise you would only get slightly exploded or shot at.
Ferdinand.
No.
From: Prof. Sir Hugh Whittlingfothersgaill-Lordlaudlum
[hwhitt@quantcomp.ox.ac.uk]
To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: Advanced Thermo Quantum Computing problem
Hi Maurice,
Is there a way to get a quantum computer to compute all possible TV dinner combinations?
Hugh
Yes.
From: Gen. Ferdinand Troy Smith
[f.t.smith@1stdivn-fcw53n.kaboom.mil]
To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: Reader's Questions
Maurice,
Your tropical island would be just perfect for us. Could we possibly use it for military training? We promise you would only get slightly exploded or shot at.
Ferdinand.
No.
From: Prof. Sir Hugh Whittlingfothersgaill-Lordlaudlum
[hwhitt@quantcomp.ox.ac.uk]
To: Maurice de Perfossor
RE: Advanced Thermo Quantum Computing problem
Hi Maurice,
Is there a way to get a quantum computer to compute all possible TV dinner combinations?
Hugh
Yes.
Friday 16 November 2007
Marooned!
I think, my friends, the most important question is: why is it "marooned"? Why not some other colour? Reded? Blueed? Purpled? Greened? This is the question that has been going round and round in Maurisssssse's head since he was Marooned on this deserted island late last month.
But, mes amis, you deserve a more thorugh account of Mowrice's trials. So I will start at the beggining, and start there to tell you about how I came to be alone on this desert island, all alone.
It started on Saturday 27th October, when I left my home near Armidale, France to fly to my other home near Paris, Australia. Naturally, I flew with the airline Elast Ickband Air the world's number 900 airline as I hoped this company, it would be very good. Alas, mes amis, they were not.
At first, the flight it was going well. Mowrrhyse had managed to get into the First Class without anyone noticing that his ticket it was really Cattle Class. Murrrace had a book launch to look forward to when he arrived in Australia, the launch of his new messterpiece Escaping Paradox: A New Methodology in Neolithic Spaceship Construction. Alas, this launch, I was never to see how well it went. Events started to conspire against Morrice about an hour into the flight.
First, a flight attendant noticed that Morrhyse, he was not ment to be in First Class. Naturally, when I was told that Mawrrhyse could not in First Class remain but must to Cattle Class go, I reacted with the calmness and composure for which Mawryße is famous. I tried to explain my case rationally, but maybe Mowryse he got overexcited. Even so, the stewardess she should not have made so much fuss over a small injury inflicted where Morrice bit her, and only about three rows of chairs were damaged beyond repair.
Well, mes amis, from then on I was in Cattle Class. I do not know at what time it was, but then the plane started developing engine problems. Mawrice, he noticed that both engines were on fire. Soon, the fire it spread to the main body of the plane. This would seem like an insoluble problem but, remember, Morrice is a genius! And no problem is insoluble for a genius like Mawryse. So Maurrice got down his hand luggage and pulled out his snakeskin-patterned parachute, and put it on. He then opened the door and he jumped out.
I then landed in the sea somewhere, and looked up only to see the plane explodinate in a fireball. Mes amis, Maurrice was veyr happy that he was not on that plane any more.
After a day drifting in the sea, Mahryse drifted up on this island. Luckilly Maurrhyse had food in his bag so could still eat. Also, the island has plentiful wild food. Yesterday, Mowrryse hunted and caught some wild tinned confit de canard, and was also able to trap some pâté de fois gras that fell into his trap. Also, he can get a weak WiFi signal from some distant access point. Also, he found that there are power points between the clumps of marram grass - no need to worry about the battery of the laptop becoming deadinated!
So, here I wait, hoping someone will rescue Morryse one day...
But, mes amis, you deserve a more thorugh account of Mowrice's trials. So I will start at the beggining, and start there to tell you about how I came to be alone on this desert island, all alone.
It started on Saturday 27th October, when I left my home near Armidale, France to fly to my other home near Paris, Australia. Naturally, I flew with the airline Elast Ickband Air the world's number 900 airline as I hoped this company, it would be very good. Alas, mes amis, they were not.
At first, the flight it was going well. Mowrrhyse had managed to get into the First Class without anyone noticing that his ticket it was really Cattle Class. Murrrace had a book launch to look forward to when he arrived in Australia, the launch of his new messterpiece Escaping Paradox: A New Methodology in Neolithic Spaceship Construction. Alas, this launch, I was never to see how well it went. Events started to conspire against Morrice about an hour into the flight.
First, a flight attendant noticed that Morrhyse, he was not ment to be in First Class. Naturally, when I was told that Mawrrhyse could not in First Class remain but must to Cattle Class go, I reacted with the calmness and composure for which Mawryße is famous. I tried to explain my case rationally, but maybe Mowryse he got overexcited. Even so, the stewardess she should not have made so much fuss over a small injury inflicted where Morrice bit her, and only about three rows of chairs were damaged beyond repair.
Well, mes amis, from then on I was in Cattle Class. I do not know at what time it was, but then the plane started developing engine problems. Mawrice, he noticed that both engines were on fire. Soon, the fire it spread to the main body of the plane. This would seem like an insoluble problem but, remember, Morrice is a genius! And no problem is insoluble for a genius like Mawryse. So Maurrice got down his hand luggage and pulled out his snakeskin-patterned parachute, and put it on. He then opened the door and he jumped out.
I then landed in the sea somewhere, and looked up only to see the plane explodinate in a fireball. Mes amis, Maurrice was veyr happy that he was not on that plane any more.
After a day drifting in the sea, Mahryse drifted up on this island. Luckilly Maurrhyse had food in his bag so could still eat. Also, the island has plentiful wild food. Yesterday, Mowrryse hunted and caught some wild tinned confit de canard, and was also able to trap some pâté de fois gras that fell into his trap. Also, he can get a weak WiFi signal from some distant access point. Also, he found that there are power points between the clumps of marram grass - no need to worry about the battery of the laptop becoming deadinated!
So, here I wait, hoping someone will rescue Morryse one day...
Raeder's Questions
Now, mes amis, you can ask questions of the greatest geynius to ever live, Morressse! Maurhyse will answer readers questions here on his blog, solving all of life's intractable porblems! Except how to get off desert islands, that is beyond him.
Just clicky clicky here: Email Maurice!
Just clicky clicky here: Email Maurice!
Tuesday 13 November 2007
Alas
Alas, mes amis, no rescue for Morrhy∫se today.
Maurrhise attracted the plane, which was a seaplane, and it landed. Unfortunately, it was on a rescue mission looking for someone else, not Morrise. These people, they were looking for the crew of a ship that had sunk near by. I had, I think, seen this ship they talked of so told them when I had seen it. But alas since they were for these people looking, not Maurryse, they could not rescue me. That was not what they had been told to do.
Eh bien, Maurrhyse will stay on the île and waite...
At least, with internet accesss, my adoring public are not deprived of their chance to bask in 'le genie de Mawryçe' -- the genius of Marise!
Maurrhise attracted the plane, which was a seaplane, and it landed. Unfortunately, it was on a rescue mission looking for someone else, not Morrise. These people, they were looking for the crew of a ship that had sunk near by. I had, I think, seen this ship they talked of so told them when I had seen it. But alas since they were for these people looking, not Maurryse, they could not rescue me. That was not what they had been told to do.
Eh bien, Maurrhyse will stay on the île and waite...
At least, with internet accesss, my adoring public are not deprived of their chance to bask in 'le genie de Mawryçe' -- the genius of Marise!
Rescue
After too long on this islande infernal, Maurrhyse is saved! He can see a plane in the distance, and is trying to get its attention. A hard task, maybe, but my friends Maurrices is a genius! And not task is too hard for a geynius.
Monday 12 November 2007
What Maurhyse misses...
My modest house in the French countryside near Armidale in France
By Steve Jurvetson, on wikipedia
which I had just left, on my way to my home near Paris in Australlia
By fir0002, wikipedia
but here is where I am now -- why??? Quel dommage...
By Dr. James P. McVey, NOAA Sea Grant Program
And you may ask, mes amis, why does Wikipedia have picture's of Mawrisses houses on it? A good question, mon ami, but the answer is simple: to illustrate their article on the greatest genius that ever lived! At:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maurice_de_Perfossor.
By Steve Jurvetson, on wikipedia
which I had just left, on my way to my home near Paris in Australlia
By fir0002, wikipedia
but here is where I am now -- why??? Quel dommage...
By Dr. James P. McVey, NOAA Sea Grant Program
And you may ask, mes amis, why does Wikipedia have picture's of Mawrisses houses on it? A good question, mon ami, but the answer is simple: to illustrate their article on the greatest genius that ever lived! At:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maurice_de_Perfossor.
Mawrise's voice over IP
Mes amis, do not think that in being lost on a desertted island, Mhyrryse has forgotten his students back at the université. No, mes amis, Mhyrece remembers them still! Until today the university had needed to employ a stand-in lecturer, but no one can stand in for the genius of Maerrice!
However, today I found that by the magic of modern technology, I can still give my lectures! Yes, my friends, even though I am cast away on a desert island, because I can get internet access, I can do anything!
Today, I figured out how to use the wonderful software Skype to make a video call. With a scype wideo call, Mawrhhece can gives his lectures from afar! My students were so pleased to bask yet again in my wisdom, that they cried from joy.
From my island, I can give my lectures, read papers, and work on my new book about the Tesconians and the Colesmyerians, both breakaway 31st century religious sects. I refuse to mention the Walmartians, they were too horrible for words.
So, Maurrhyse continues with his great work, although without much of the daily grind of teaching, and with little contact to students or faculty
hmm maybe this desert island, it is not so bad after all...
However, today I found that by the magic of modern technology, I can still give my lectures! Yes, my friends, even though I am cast away on a desert island, because I can get internet access, I can do anything!
Today, I figured out how to use the wonderful software Skype to make a video call. With a scype wideo call, Mawrhhece can gives his lectures from afar! My students were so pleased to bask yet again in my wisdom, that they cried from joy.
From my island, I can give my lectures, read papers, and work on my new book about the Tesconians and the Colesmyerians, both breakaway 31st century religious sects. I refuse to mention the Walmartians, they were too horrible for words.
So, Maurrhyse continues with his great work, although without much of the daily grind of teaching, and with little contact to students or faculty
hmm maybe this desert island, it is not so bad after all...
Sunday 11 November 2007
Il n’y a rien à manger
Well, mes amis, I am already suffering on this infernal island! Marrhyße is out of caviar and smoked salmon. And the champagne is running dangerosly low, tooo. I know not what to do! Despair...
In any case, Maurricessse will be making confit de canard over a camp fire tonight, mes amis.
Desert Island Discs
Err, I ment 'disconnected'. But, mes amis, Morricse was disconnected. Well, he is back online once again!
Well, mon ami, I can now truly answer than age old question: "If you were stranded on a desert island with no hope of rescue, what CDs would you like to listen to?" Well, my friends, Maurese can tell you truly that what he would like to listen to is some of his Édith Piaff CDs. But, of course, they are back at home in France and Morricse had not yet gotten around to copying them with iTunes! With me I have only my collection of Heavy Death Metal Rock Music. Not quite the same, mes amis, not quite the same.
Nearly, but not quite.
Well, mon ami, I can now truly answer than age old question: "If you were stranded on a desert island with no hope of rescue, what CDs would you like to listen to?" Well, my friends, Maurese can tell you truly that what he would like to listen to is some of his Édith Piaff CDs. But, of course, they are back at home in France and Morricse had not yet gotten around to copying them with iTunes! With me I have only my collection of Heavy Death Metal Rock Music. Not quite the same, mes amis, not quite the same.
Nearly, but not quite.
WiFi woes
Greetings, mon amis. I am writing this on a small desert island, presumably somewhere in the Pacific. The plane I was in experienced engine difficulties and came down somewhere in the middle of the sea. Apparently this, it is not so uncommon for Elast Ickband Air. But luckily Maaurice had packed his parachute in his carry on luggage, and was able to escape the plane before it burst into flames and then explodinated!
I quickly found that if I sit on top of this palm tree, and use a high gain antenna that Murrcie just happended to have with him, Murroce can just pick up a WiFi signal on his laptop. It's also lucky this desert island has power points hidden between the marram grass tussocks on the dune. WiFi signal is wery weak, mes amis, so not certain when I will get disconne
I quickly found that if I sit on top of this palm tree, and use a high gain antenna that Murrcie just happended to have with him, Murroce can just pick up a WiFi signal on his laptop. It's also lucky this desert island has power points hidden between the marram grass tussocks on the dune. WiFi signal is wery weak, mes amis, so not certain when I will get disconne
Saturday 27 October 2007
Hairport
Well, mes amis, today I fly back to Australia. Morece will be flying from Armidale in France to Paris in Australia on Elast Ickband Air, the world's number 900 airline!I am currently sitting in in the airport departure lounge waiting for a plane that has been delayed yet again. But Merise is not the sort to let this get him down, no sir! I spent the first three hours working on my groundbreaking new novel The Stunned Mullet of Etrusca, and bestowing the benefit of Mawrhys's genius on my felllow passengers. For some reason, they all seem to have moved down to the other end of the departure lounge, even though that end is looking very crowded now.
Still, Mawryce never gets depressed just because everyone else suddenly had to leave unavoidably. No, mon ami, Maurrhyçe just got out his laptop and jumped on the airport's wireless internet. I checked my email a few times but no good, it did not make the email appear. Then I realised I must confer more of the unique wisdomm of Morrhy∫e on to my adoring public, the blog readers.
Mes amis, Maurhyße's flight is being called now. He must go. Maybe if I go now they won't notice I have a Cattle Class ticket, and I can sneek into Firsst Class.... Shh, don't tell anyone Maurrecse's secret!
[To comment on this post, please hand a note to Ratatosk next time you see him]
Friday 26 October 2007
Archaeology of France in the Polystyrene Age
Well, mon amis, it's a few months into a new year at Université du Délire Iguane. Yet again I am teeching my unit ARCH371 "Archaeology of France in the Polystyrene Age (c. 5000BC-2900AD)".
This is my favourite unit ever, dripping with the pure geynius of Morrice! And yet, it seems that the dullard students reconise it not! Nearly none of them bother to turn up to Mawryse's lectures most splendide, and the few that do just sit around and point and luagh. I cannot understant this. Ah well, they will be fighting, yes, fighting to get into Maüriße's classes when my next book is published. Then Maoriçe will have his revenge.
And speaking of revenge, I must make certain to get it right this time. Mowryse will not repeat the mistakes of last time, no sir! It was just by luck that I, Marise, got out of that one alive. I was protected only by my white lead makeup, which shielded me from the radiation.
This is my favourite unit ever, dripping with the pure geynius of Morrice! And yet, it seems that the dullard students reconise it not! Nearly none of them bother to turn up to Mawryse's lectures most splendide, and the few that do just sit around and point and luagh. I cannot understant this. Ah well, they will be fighting, yes, fighting to get into Maüriße's classes when my next book is published. Then Maoriçe will have his revenge.
And speaking of revenge, I must make certain to get it right this time. Mowryse will not repeat the mistakes of last time, no sir! It was just by luck that I, Marise, got out of that one alive. I was protected only by my white lead makeup, which shielded me from the radiation.
Beginnings
Welcome, all, to the new and wonderful blog of Maurice. Unlike the blog of the evil Lady Shelom, this blog will contain no half-truths or corrupt fallacies.
No, mon ami, this blog will contain the truth about the genius of Morrise! They said Mawrice could not spell his name the same way twice in a row but Mowryce proved them worng, yet again!
Watch this space for further revelations of the genieus of Morriçe!
No, mon ami, this blog will contain the truth about the genius of Morrise! They said Mawrice could not spell his name the same way twice in a row but Mowryce proved them worng, yet again!
Watch this space for further revelations of the genieus of Morriçe!
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